Sleep deprivation is weighing on me…

Through all of the struggles, hardest parts, and stressful parts of autism. The sleep deprivation is what is weighing down on me heaviest these days.

Most nights I see every hour on the clock, it’s been this way for almost ten years.

Jackson has never been a great sleeper. He’s never napped, stayed asleep, his internal time clock is too strong for any of that…. he’s my early riser no matter what time he goes to bed.

For a few years we had medication that helped him stay asleep through the night. He still woke up early but at least we all got rest through the night. The downfall was we hit very emotional fallouts as a result of the medication every mid-morning that didn’t make it worth it anymore.

Every night he’s up and down. Asking me questions. Kicking my husband out of our bed. Yelling at the dogs for making noise. Up before five every day and in a hurry from the moment his feet hit the floor.

He immediately wants to get dressed.

Wants breakfast.

Wants to turn on TV’s and loud trains.

It’s exhausting.

And when I say I’m exhausted, it’s at a new level I never knew existed.

A level that makes me wonder how I will do this forever. One that makes me a less patient mother. My temper is short. My joy is fleeting because I always feel tired and behind.

It’s a real problem.

One I know Jackson can’t control.

I know his sleep struggles are very common amongst autism families like ours.

His body has such a hard time letting him relax, I don’t think the racing thoughts in his brain ever slow down. His anxiety and worry make peaceful sleep impossible.

So, if you’re in the sleep struggle too, I see you.

He will be ten this spring, everyone says “he will sleep eventually”. Nearly a decade in, I truly don’t believe them, and it worries me.

I can feel myself fading….. exhaustion, the feeling of defeat, but I know how much he needs me and that’s what keeps me going even when I know I need a rest.