This morning I thought about forever, as we woke up before the sun, and hurried to get ready to go find trains. This is what we do.
When you first find out you’re going to become a parent you think about raising a child, sending them off to college, and watching them get married and start a family of their own.
(Im not saying he won’t ever do any of these things, but I’m also saying we aren’t promised he will either.)
The day you find out you’re not just a parent but now you’re a special needs parent the thought of forever is too much to comprehend. It was for me anyway, I stared a to-do list in my head that I thought would make things temporary instead of forever.
I kept thinking if I can just get him to sleep through the night, then if I can just get him to speak, potty train, feed himself, now it’s dress himself and make a friend……. my point is it isn’t short-term, it’s forever. I’m not saying that to be negative, I’m just more realistic now.
I couldn’t believe the moms who were talking about forever care for their kids. They’ve given up I thought. No, they were just further along in the process than I was.
I understand the situation is ever-evolving and the to-do list changes as time goes on, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. And saying it’s heavy doesn’t mean I’m angry about it, or that I’ve given up. It means I’m further along in my journey now.
Lunch at 11am every day, overnight trips to find trains, hunting for yellow sandwiches and brownie batter hummus, always waking up before 6am. The things I’ve learned that will be here for the long haul and are not just a phase.
It’s ok, I’m just ready for forever now, it’s heavy, but I’m ready.